It's About Rebellion.

So today was my first day back at work since I began my detox. I'm usually pretty organised with my food on work days, and it's normally very healthy. I rarely buy my lunch and I am always armed with healthy snacks & meals for the day. However, I would previously eat 2 or more pieces of fruit during the day, plus a flavoured yoghurt. And often, in the afternoon, I would eat a small packet of low fat chocolate chip biscuits. These are nutritionally bereft little buggers, full of sugar, and made of wheat, so the gluten always wreaks havoc on my guts. Even so, I couldn't resist, & would munch through one of these packets every day. And of course, my day would be dotted with sweet coffee & tea. Learning what I have learned recently about fructose, and deciding to detox from all sugars & sweet flavours, I was determined today would be different.

So today I kept a record, not only of what I ate but of how I was feeling, what I was craving and WHEN I was craving. And it went something like this:

6am - Hot milky tea with 1 teaspoon of xylitol while getting ready for work.

7:45am - BREAKFAST. Quinoa and amaranth porridge with rice milk and coconut oil, topped with Coco-Nutty Granola, (unsweetened) and a black coffee. See my beautiful pic? Yum. It is surprisingly sweet for something with no sugar or sugar substitutes in it.

10am - MORNING TEA. Nothing, not hungry (thanks, Epic Porridge!)

10:15am - came back from morning tea, realised how long I have to go til lunch. Misery! Wanted to go & raid the team biscuit barrel. Instead made a green tea. Visited the bathroom. Wanted to write a whinging Facebook status complaining about work. Instead checked Instagram, discovered I had a new follower, which made me feel good.

12:20pm - LUNCH. Left over red lentil dahl, zucchini & a birds eye chilli. The hot chilli really kicked any sweet cravings in the guts for a while.

1:20pm - Came back from lunch. Realised how long I have to go til work finishes. Feeling depressed, I had an overwhelming desire to get a chocolate bar. Wish I could check in with my girlfriends on Facebook. Made a black coffee instead.

3pm - AFTERNOON TEA. Brown rice crackers, cheese, stuffed olives. Super salty and delicious. Sugar cravings gone for now.

4pm - Miso soup. YES. I love the little bits of seaweed floating in it. Takes me straight back to being 16 years old in Japan. Even so, I wished it was hot chocolate to get me through the afternoon. Gazed longingly at the fundraising Freddo Frogs whilst making miso. Didn't eat them.

6:15pm - DINNER. Pork & fennel sausages and cabbage cooked in butter with fennel seeds & salt. Yum.

7pm - Sweet craving. Have a few spoonfuls of delicious Mungali Creek natural unsweetened yoghurt, straight from the pot. Yum.

8:12pm - watching Masterchef, sipping a soda water, wishing it was scotch. It was a rough day at work, I'd love to relax into a nice warming nip of warming whisky. But I won't.

So today I saw a few patterns. Whenever I felt bored, or disappointed, or frustrated, or annoyed, I wanted to either eat sugar or check Facebook. I wanted to escape. When I felt miserable about the reality of what I do for work (which I LOATHE), I wanted to get on Facebook, to essentially be "hanging out" with my friends in the only way I am able to on work days. And when I felt the day stretching out in front of me, hours of torturous boredom, I wanted to bring myself a brief moment of luscious, sweet pleasure. I think partially it is also about control. I have little say about work, and the type of work I do affords for very little autonomy or innovative thinking. There's not much I can do about that but FUCK YOU work, I can eat a chocolate & enjoy THAT. In the past I have found myself slyly checking Facebook on my phone when I'm meant to be working. Childish! Yet it says something for how I was using Facebook, and sugar, and what those things were "giving me". Alcohol is the same. I come home from another day in my shitty office doing my shitty, shitty job with shitty people and shitty customers, but fuck it I can sit down and get pissed.

I've always had a rebellious streak. As a teenager, I wore makeup to my Private "no makeup" school. And not natural make up. Green eyeliner (hey, it was the 90s, ok?!). I rolled up my school uniform skirt til it was about the allowable knee length. I wore men's silk boxer shorts under my skirt. I used men's Lynx deodorant. I owned cherry red Doc Martens with rainbow laces. I smoked cigarettes behind the school sports shed. I listened to heavy metal and grunge (Kurt Cobain - *swoon*). I thought I had grown out of my rebellious days. Hmmm. Maybe not.

Interesting.